Restoration
Summary
How do you confront someone you love without losing them? In this message, Pastor Dominic works through Galatians 6:1–2 and Matthew 18:15–20 to build a practical, honest guide to spiritual restoration—one that takes both courage and humility. Before you send that text or schedule that coffee, there are questions worth asking yourself first. And when you do have that conversation, Jesus gives us a framework that's as relevant today as it was 2,000 years ago.
Questions for reflection
Dominic opens by asking: have you ever been on the receiving end of a hard, honest, loving conversation? And have you ever been grateful for it — even if it took a while to get there? What made the difference between feedback that helped and feedback that hurt?
Paul says restoration belongs to "you who live by the Spirit." What does it look like to check your motivation before you have a hard conversation? What does it feel like when you're honest with yourself about why you actually want to say something?
The word "restore" in Galatians 6 is a medical term — the resetting of a dislocated bone. What does that image say about how correction should feel, and what it's for?
Jesus says to go directly and privately first. How much pain in the church — or in your friendships — could have been avoided if someone had just taken that step? What makes it so tempting to skip?
Dominic makes a distinction between treating someone as lost and cutting them off. What does it actually look like to love someone "sometimes from a distance" — and how do you keep that from becoming avoidance dressed up as grace?
Is there someone in your life right now that you know you should approach — and you've been putting it off? What's the real reason you haven't yet?
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Has someone ever given you harsh but honest feedback? Maybe they were gentle and loving, but it still really stung. Maybe you'd hurt their feelings, made a dumb choice, or weren't even aware of what you were doing or who you were hurting.
Have you ever been on the receiving end of a conversation like that?
I have — many, many times. Always incredibly awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassing. But I will tell you: every single time it's been done in love — not by someone who's just annoyed with me, but by someone who approaches me with care — I've been genuinely thankful for it. Maybe it takes a little while to get there. But I've never once looked back and thought, I wish they wouldn't have said that.
Now flip it. Have you ever been on the other end of that conversation? Sometimes it goes well. The person receives your correction — your loving rebuke — with open ears and an open heart. But have you ever had the opposite happen? You approach someone and no matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you say "I'm saying this because I love you and I care about you," all they hear is: judgmental, critical, fault-finding. Maybe you've even lost a friendship because of it.
If you're like me, sometimes you walk away thinking, Even if they cut ties, I'm glad I said something. It was the right thing to do. But other times you think, I could not have said that worse. You keep trying to dig yourself out and it just gets worse. You put your foot in your mouth again and think — where did I go wrong? I was trying to do the right thing.
That's what we're going to look at today: a guide to having awkward and uncomfortable conversations, from the king of awkward and uncomfortable conversations — Jesus himself — with a guest appearance by Paul.
A Quick Recap: Don't Judge — Except When You Should
Last week's message was do not judge one another. This week's is restore one another. And the thing about restoration is it takes a little bit of judgment. More on that in a minute.
Last week's passage — Matthew 7 — Jesus says:
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye," when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite! First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
Jesus opens with: do not judge. Don't judge because it's not your job. Don't judge because you don't want to be a hypocrite. Our measuring sticks are broken — we have a hard time seeing sin clearly, especially our own. And Jesus paints this almost playful image of a two-by-four sticking out of your eye while you're focused on a little speck in someone else's.
But here's the tension. Proverbs 27:5 says: Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. A rebuke takes a level of judgment — obviously. And that's Old Testament, sure. But what about the passage we just looked at? Jesus literally calls people hypocrites. He tells them they have planks in their eyes. Imagine a Pharisee raising his hand and saying, "That sounds a little judgmental, Jesus."
And then there's John 7:24, where Jesus says: Stop judging by mere appearances — but judge with right judgment.
So which is it? Are we supposed to judge or not?
Last week we drew a distinction: there is a difference between judging a person and judging a person's actions. There is a difference between a moral assessment and a cosmic condemnation. We are able — and should — assess actions, notice injustice, and have convictions. But we are not called to be the judge. That's above our pay grade.
So how do we judge rightly without becoming judgmental? Let's go back to our central text.
Galatians 6:1–2 — Questions to Ask Before Restoration
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Before you send that email, shoot that text, or schedule that coffee to let someone know all the ways they're screwing up — here are a few questions to ask yourself first.
1. Are they family?
Notice how the passage opens: Brothers and sisters. Jesus also uses the word "brother" in the Matthew 7 teaching. The first question is: are they a follower of Jesus?
The church is described many ways in the New Testament, and one of my favourites is as a family. A healthy family calls each other out, calls each other to more — but does so in love. The text says a brother or a sister, not a stranger on the internet, not some rando on a street corner. These instructions are to the church, by the church, for the church.
Much of the tension in the world today comes when Christians expect non-Christians to act like Christians — or when correction is directed at someone with whom we have no relationship. Just because someone is a public follower of Jesus doesn't mean the invitation is for you to be the one to call them out. So first question: are they family?
2. Are they actually sinning?
This sounds obvious. But maybe not.
Just because someone is figuring something out, making a mistake, going in a different direction, or even annoying you — that doesn't make it a sin. Ask any artist in the room: for every finished piece, there are dozens in the trash. Process isn't sin.
A few sub-questions to help you assess:
Is this hurting their relationship with God?
Is this damaging their relationship with someone else?
Is this obstructing their witness or the reputation of the church?
Is this harming themselves — are they going down a road they can't see clearly?
If the answer to one or more of those is yes, it may be a sin issue. If not, this might be a preference issue. Or, honestly, maybe even an ego issue.
3. What is my motivation?
Paul says: you who live by the Spirit. We approach this situation in the Spirit — not out of annoyance, anger, or pain. Ask yourself:
Am I trying to get even with this person?
Am I doing this to make myself feel better?
Am I doing this to justify my own sin?
I'll never forget driving with Megan years ago when a guy on the road cut us off and was weaving through lanes like a maniac. I sped up to catch him at the red light — not because I was angry, I told myself, but as a favour to the guy. I wanted to give him the look. And Megan said, very lovingly, "Why are you doing this? What do you gain from this? Just keep going." I'd even changed my route just to track this guy down. And she was right: I was annoyed and I wanted to get even. Call it what it is.
If you're a little eager to call somebody out, ask yourself why. What's motivating this?
4. Am I actually restoring — or destroying?
The passage says: restore that person gently. Does your correction bring restoration or condemnation? Is it helpful or harmful?
That word "restore" in the Greek is actually a medical term — the procedure to reset a broken or dislocated bone. Which is probably why Paul adds "gently." If the motivation is to harm, shame, or tear someone down, that's very different from trying to help someone heal. Sometimes a doctor has to break a bone in order for it to heal correctly. But it's done with intention and care — to set things back where they belong.
Ask yourself: am I going into this with a scaffold or a hatchet? They both cut. But only one of them cuts to heal.
5. Am I the right person for the job?
The passage continues: but watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.
If this is a sin you also struggle with, maybe you shouldn't be the one to lend a helping hand. If someone tells me they're trying to eat better this month and I drive past the ice cream shop and see them there — I should probably not be the one to get out of the car. Because I know exactly what I'd do after calling them out. I'd go right back in.
It is a lot easier to pull someone down than to lift someone up. If the sin of a brother or sister causes you to stumble — pray for them, reach out to them, love them. But don't go alone.
Matthew 18:15–20 — The Conversation with One Another
Okay. So let's say we've done the inner work. We've checked our hearts. We see a brother or sister going in the wrong direction and feel like we should say something. Now what does that conversation actually look like?
Matthew 18:15–20.
Step 1: Go directly and privately.
If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.
This literally happened to me this week. Someone came up to me and said, "Hey, the other day you said this thing — I know you weren't trying to be rude, but it hurt my feelings." I said, "I'm so sorry," and it led to a great conversation. I'd put my foot in my mouth, as I often do. But they came to me directly, privately — and I listened. They won me over, to use Jesus' words.
I wonder how much pain in the church could be avoided if we just followed this first step. Instead of cutting people off or avoiding them, we leaned into the hard conversation — directly.
Something I've noticed over the years is what I'd call spiritual slander — gossip dressed up as prayer requests or advice-seeking. "I just want someone else's perspective on something Eli did. He's not here today, but — " That's not perspective-seeking. That's gossip with better branding. No — go to that person directly.
Step 2: Bring a witness.
But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.
"Witness" here has a double meaning — a fellow believer, but also someone who has actually seen what's going on. Not someone who's just going to agree with you. Someone who also has eyes on the situation. You show up together, and you let the person know: you care, they aren't alone, and others see it too.
Step 3: Involve the community.
But if they refuse to listen, tell it to the church.
I've heard horror stories about this verse being abused — people struggling with something being paraded in front of a congregation, publicly shamed, while the pastor points to Matthew 18 as justification.
But it's worth noting: Jesus is speaking to house churches. Ten people gathering in someone's living room. In our context, a better equivalent is probably a small group, a community group, or a ministry team. This is an intervention — people who know you, love you, and have walked alongside you. Not strangers. Family.
One exception I do want to name: when it comes to leaders. James 3 tells us teachers are held to a stricter standard. 1 Timothy 5:20 says an unrepentant elder should be publicly rebuked before the congregation. As a pastor, I'll say — this is good news. Far too many churches have swept things under the rug, hidden sins, silenced victims. That is not only harmful; it's unbiblical. If I do something that rises to that level, an email will go out, an announcement will be made, a meeting will be called. That's how it should be.
Step 4: Love them as lost.
And if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
So many people hear that and think: shun them. Cut them off. But "pagan" just means unbeliever — someone who isn't living like they believe in the resurrection of Jesus. And how does Scripture tell us to treat the outcast, the lost, the unbeliever? With love. With gentleness. With respect. With kindness.
Jesus called a tax collector to follow him — and that tax collector wrote the very words we're reading right now. And if you read the passage just before this one, Jesus tells the story of the shepherd leaving the 99 to go after the one. He cares about the lost.
So don't hear Jesus saying you tried, they didn't listen, therefore cut them off. Hear him saying: treat them as someone who's lost — because that's what they are. Love them, sometimes from a distance. Pray for them. And when they come back, we don't say took you long enough. We say: welcome home.
Closing Prayer
Jesus, right after these instructions on how to approach someone in sin, you give us this promise: For where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them. We often quote that verse about small gatherings. But in context, Lord, you are telling us you are present in our difficult conversations — in conflict, in restoration, in the awkward and the hard.
Even when it doesn't go the way we hoped. Even when the person doesn't respond the way we want.
Holy Spirit, help us to be forgiving people because we are forgiven people. Help us to be bold, courageous, and faithful. For those still in the middle of this process — still trying to restore a brother or sister and it hasn't happened yet — I pray your presence is felt. And I pray that, like the shepherd going after the one, you pursue those we love who are lost right now. Reconcile them to yourself. Use us any way you might for that restoration.
In Jesus' name. Amen.